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Resume: Mexico’s own international spy and the most flirtiest man known in Mexico

Directed by Peter Segal 102M Kristen Schaal USA Audience Score 240 vote synopsis My Spy is a movie starring Dave Bautista, Kristen Schaal, and Parisa Fitz-Henley. A hardened CIA operative finds himself at the mercy of a precocious 9-year-old girl, having been sent undercover to surveil her family. But there is one thing Im good at STANDING STILL.

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After 3 minutes one of my sons whispered to me "What is this? I don't like it."
I think that about sums it up - What is this movie? What is it trying to be? And when, oh when, will it end?
It's a bit too violent and has too many pointless, non-story progressing scenes to be a kids' movie but it is definitely not for adults. All the good bits are in the 30-second advert that convinced us to go and see it.
We saw a morning session at the cinema. At 10.57am I checked my watch, at 11.01am I checked my watch and was stunned to find time had completely slowed.
Although Chloe Coleman is an excellent actress and very watchable, every other character was unbelievable, unappealing and terribly written. What a waste of clever people like Kristen Schaal (or as I call her, Mel from Flight of the Conchords.
My older son thought it was okay but when pressed, couldn't name a favourite scene. The younger one gave up and ended up playing a game on my phone about an hour in.

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First | Prev |Next Chapter 15 - The Trial The first sign of the camp was the smoke from the fire. Decker followed it the rest of the way. Kel and Zaire's main camp now consisted of three large thatched-roofed log-and-mud buildings, along with the original lean-to which was now used for storage. A well maintained fire, the source of the smoke, was at the camp's center. Kel and Zaire sat around the fire. Zaire was cooking a small mammal skewered on a stick. Kel was deep into her latest unsuccessful attempt to build a compound bow out of sticks and animal sinew. They both immediately turned their heads as Decker came noisily running into the camp, gasping for air. "How much of what's going on do you know? " he asked, as he struggled to regain his breath. "I'm going to guess none? " said Kel. It was almost a question. "Is this about the ship that flew overheard a little while ago? " asked Zaire. Decker was speaking rapidly, trying to pack as much information into every word as he could. "Aliens have landed, I think from the wormhole network. They're hostile. I greeted them in Galach and they shot at me, sent a probe to finish me off. They already killed Ophelia. They have her deathward as we speak. The three of us need to go get it back. Now. " "Whoa, whoa, whoa, " said Kel. "Cool your drive. You want all of us to go confront these aliens? You already said they're hostile. " "Didn't you hear me? They have Ophelia's deathward, " said Decker, breathlessly. "So they're interested in collecting deathwards, " said Kel. "That makes attacking them even less attractive. What if they do the same thing to us? That's not just losing the trial that's permanent mind death. If you're lucky that is. I'm not sticking my neck out like that for Ophelia. She's no friend of mine. " "This is bigger than our babbleskite. They have her sprelling deathward Kel, " insisted Decker. "Yeah and I'm not keen to give them mine too, " said Kel. "Zaire? " asked Decker. "It's a lot to ask Sam, " said Zaire, not wanting to look him in the eye. "Not you too, " said Decker, his eyes pleading. "We can fortify the camp, " offered Kel. "You can stay too and help. That's the best move. We'll be far safer fighting them on our turf than going to them and fighting on theirs. " "What if they don't come looking for us though? What if they just leave? " asked Decker. "So much the better, " said Kel. "But Ophelia, " said Decker. "I'm not responsible for Ophelia, and frankly neither are you, " said Kel, annoyance beginning to show. "What has she ever done to inspire such loyalty anyway? " "This isn't loyalty, this is basic human solidarity, " said Decker. "This is being able to live with myself. If you're not coming I can't waste any more time here. " "Sam, surely you're not going alone, " said Zaire. "If that's what I have to do. " "Don't be a sprellhead. This doesn't have to go all widdershins, " said Kel. "Do you have any more hammers I could have? " asked Decker. Kel sighed. "You know I do. Come with me to the lean to I have so many weapons. You don't even realize. " Kel gave Decker a few more stone hammers, three wooden javelins, and a slingshot. He strapped everything to his body and immediately headed for the alien landing site. Decker had to travel in a wide arc to avoid a giant spider. He could hear the creature's hum and couldn't afford to waste any time fighting it. This made the trip a little longer than it would have been otherwise. The entire time Decker was sweating, full of existential dread that at any moment he would see the alien ship take off into the sky. Finally he made it. The aliens were still at the landing site. They didn't show any signs that they were getting ready to leave either. Decker breathed a slow and methodical sigh of relief, careful not to make any noise. He watched from high up in the hand-trees with inhuman stillness. The two of the aliens were facing in opposite directions, clearly keeping watch over their makeshift camp, swiveling their entire bodies around to react to every small noise. Decker made a note of the fact that they definitely had a sense of hearing. The other alien was inside the folded open starship, working some kind of input console. Decker was virtually certain it was a computer of some kind. Likely analyzing Ophelia's deathward. Hopefully just analyzing. It didn't look like they had any probes left either. Good. That meant, barring unforeseen tricks or unusual alien sensory organs, they'd be limited to sight, hearing, maybe a thermal sense or echolocation, and whatever close-range microsensors they had in those helmets. If they had anything better than that Decker figured they'd have spotted him when he spied on them the first time. Decker liked the looks of their helmets. They couldn't possibly be as fragile as they looked but they were still a point of weakness. If he could puncture one even slightly it stood to reason the gas would leak out and the alien would suffocate. Decker might also take out their needlers at the same time. He would go for the helmets. He might be able to get close enough to take one alien by surprise. Maybe. But that would still leave two aliens, both with needlers, and him limited to stone age weaponry. Death was a virtual certitude. He was going to have to try to take out one of the aliens and then hide again before any of them caught him. Neutralize them one by one and disappear between each attack. It was a long shot but Decker wasn't exactly in a position to be picky with his shots. Decker swallowed hard and climbed down the tree. He crept closer and closer to the landing site. His muscles tensed. Decker wasn't sure which senses the aliens had, what to concentrate on masking. He had to focus on a million tiny things at once all the while prepared to leap into action at the first sign he had been made. Hoping that the aliens had a sense of front and back he weaved his way behind the closest of the two aliens keeping watch. He made sure to keep out of what he hope was the line of sight of either. Keeping low and running swiftly but silently Decker came upon the alien. He raised his stone hammer into the air and brought it down as hard as he could. The helmet cracked but didn't yield. The alien was startled. Decker smashed the hammer a second time, breaching the helmet. Green gas billowed out as the alien began to run wildly back and forth making a low-pitched wail. The other two aliens turned their entire bodies to look. Decker took advantage of the commotion to hide behind a quarter-egg shaped piece of the unfolded starship. He could hear the gas leaking from the cracked helmet and the wailing alien. Thanks to his enhanced ears he could also hear the other two aliens' steps as they approached him from either angle, hoping to cut off his escape. They couldn't see Decker but they knew he was there. And he knew they knew. Both sides had to be cautious. Decker guessed where the two aliens were from the sound of their movements. It was now or never. He concentrated on one alien, picked out where it was, and leapt out at it swinging his stone hammer. The aliens filled him full of needles from both sides. His entire body seemed to explode with them from the inside. His limbs were paralyzed and he fell to the ground. Everything went black. Chapter 16 - Pomp and Circumstance Decker woke up in a familiar sick bay. It seemed like not even a second had passed since he passed out. He sat up immediately. "What happened? Where's Ophelia? " The Lodge Mistress was sitting in a chair just across from his bed. "She's fine. Right now she'll be waking up in a similar sick bay on another ship 200, 000 clicks off the starboard bow. " "What about Kel and Zaire? " asked Decker. "As far as I know the other Aspirants are still on Hyperborea. There's just under a standard month left in the trial. " Decker felt his face. He realized his beard was gone. He was in a new body. He had died. He failed the trial. He thought he would have been devastated but it seemed so unimportant now. Nobody was permanently dead. Nobody had an infinite number of copies of themselves being experimented on and/or tortured in simulations for all eternity. If all that cost him was his chance to join these weirdos that was a good trade in Decker's book. It sure had been a wild ride though. On the other hand Decker couldn't help but feel responsible for Ophelia washing out. If he hadn't talked her into helping him she would have aced that ridiculous trial. If he got to see her in person again he would apologize. "So I guess Ophelia and I failed then? " said Decker. "When did I say that? " asked the Lodge Mistress. "Well you didn't have to, " said Decker. "I died right? Wasn't that the test? " "You should know better than to take anything we tell you during your evaluation process at face value, Squire Decker, " said the Lodge Mistress. Decker's eyes widened. He realized he still had all his new senses. That should have been a dead giveaway. "The purpose of the trial is not to see if you can survive in harsh conditions. It is to see whether you can hold to the ideals of your lodge in a situation where survival is on the line, " she continued. "You were being monitored the entire time you were down there. We saw you keep your word even to your extreme detriment. We saw you make friends out of potential enemies. We saw you find clever solutions to situations you couldn't overcome with force. We even saw you willing to put your life on the line when others were in danger. You only just barely passed the survival element but that's only one piece of the evaluation puzzle. You made it halfway at least. " "What about Ophelia? " asked Decker. "Did she pass as well? " "That's not my call, " said the Lodge Mistress. "She's with the Violet Motley. I will not embarrass myself by trying to predict the criteria by which they choose their members. She will if she impressed them. " Decker exhaled in relief. Ophelia knew what she was doing. If Decker had managed to pass he was sure she had as well. "What about the aliens? " he asked. "Were they even real or was that all part of the evaluation too? " "They were real enough to kill you, weren't they? " "You are being deliberately inscrutable. " "It's not by accident, " said the Lodge Mistress, "I always choose my words very carefully. " Decker suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. "How long do I have to stay in the sick bay? " he asked. "You can leave now if you like. It was just a routine mind upload. We've had the body ready since before you left for Hyperborea, " said the Lodge Mistress. "I'll show you to your new quarters. I think you'll prefer them to your old ones. More roomy. Have something to eat, clean yourself up, and get some sleep because you take your oaths tomorrow morning. This is also your last opportunity to drop out with honor so think very hard about whether this life is for you. " From afar the observation deck of the Sic Semper Tyrannis looked like a shiny bulge on the head of the ship. The dome was entirely the creation of concentric layers of transparent force-fields. It could be sealed off perfectly from the rest of the ship and, if depowered, simply ceased to exist. Huge and elaborate dragon tapestries, each an individual masterwork of art, covered every centimeter of the force-walls, leaving only the dome's ceiling open to the stars. The room was dominated by a central stage which had a dragon holo-statue on each side. A black carpet cut an obvious path through the room and up the stairs leading to the stage. All along suited and cloaked rangers stood at attention. Filling in the space behind them was dozens of other rangers, at least a hundred, some wearing suits others wearing all kinds of different clothes. All wore identical green cloaks clasped with a black dragon insignia. Decker knew there was going to be a ceremony but didn't really remember what was involved. The weird Neutronium Dragon etiquette book wasn't exactly the one that was getting most of his focus when he was trying to study at a million o'clock at night while simultaneously trying not to slip away into death. This though, this was a lot to take in. He hadn't expected all this. It couldn't possibly all be for him, could it? Decker walked along the path that had obviously been lain out for him, through the row of still-standing rangers. Decker had never seen anything like it, not in the real world. The Lodge Mistress was waiting for him center stage. She wore green-gilded black ceremonial robes and a dragon-clasped cloak. A sheathed sword hung at her side. She indicated where Decker should stand with a nod of her head. "Today you attest to unbreakable oaths. Listen to each question I ask of you and consider it as though for the first time, " said the Lodge Mistress. Decker understood. All he could think to do was nod. "Do you swear to carry arms in the name of the protection of the human race, and all other intelligent species who dwell with peace within human space? " asked the Lodge Mistress. "I do so swear, " said Decker. "Do you swear you will give your life, if necessary, to guard those under your protection? " "I do so swear. " "Do you promise you will abandon all personal and familial interests, all political and genetic biases, and instead swear your sole allegiance to the human species, the Corps, and your lodge, in that order? " "I do so swear. " "Do you swear to treat the honor of the Neutronium Dragons as your own personal honor, and to uphold our ideals unto the point of death? " "I do so swear. " "Name them, " said the Lodge Mistress. "Honor, duty and courage, " said Decker. "Kneel, " she said, and Decker did so. The Lodge Mistress looked down at Decker, her eyes aflame with gravitas. Decker had always thought being in 'awe' of another human was only used as a metaphor, but now he knew better. He was awed by the presence of this woman who seemed to look directly into his soul. "You must be the torch bearer, bringer of light to the dark unknown places. You must be the diplomat, exemplar of the better angels of your species. You must be the knight, protector of the life and dignity of the weak. " The Lodge Mistress held aloft a gleaming sword from old Earth, painstakingly restored to the same strength and sharpness as the day it was forged and then entropy locked. It was nearly ageless. Older than the Three Rings Cooperative, older than the singularity, older than human space travel. It was a relic of the unfathomably ancient prisoners of gravity who once looked up at the stars and could only guess at the destiny they represented. She brought it down on Decker's shoulder with surprising speed and power, but also strict control. It stopped just shy of cutting him. "In the name of the Aerospace Ranger Corps I now bestow upon you the title of Squire. " Moving the sword over his head the Lodge Mistress touched Decker's other shoulder and then returned the sword to its sheath in one fluid movement. The assembled rangers applauded as Decker stood back up. The Lodge Mistress wrapped a green cloak around him and clasped it with a black dragon deathward. Decker hadn't felt it back in the sick bay, not really. Now he did. He was a squire now. He was a member of A. R. C. Chapter 17 - Resplendent in His Armor Aranarth, fully suited, came and found Decker as soon as the ceremony was over. That's when Decker found out who he was going to be squiring under. "Oh no. This is a joke right? " asked Decker. "Who did you think it was going to be? " Aranarth laughed. The ceremony had left Decker feeling pumped, but now all that air was let out of his balloon. "Great, " he deadpanned. Aranarth leaned right up into Decker's personal space. "You need to understand something, Squire: you're not in just yet. Forget the ceremony, forget the stuff with the sword. You're still under evaluation. The second I'm finished with you, you're out. You're gone. If I wake up tomorrow and decide I don't like the way you pronounce the word 'tomato', if I don't like the look you give a dog, or how you chew your food, I will wash you out. They're not going to ask me why. There is no appeal. So remember that. You're not safe. You're not a ranger. You're not an A. squire. You are my squire. " Aranarth straightened. "Now let's get your dumb arbo suited up. " "No way, " said Decker. He thought he was going to have to wait until he was a full ranger to be fitted with a Suit. This was the least Decker had ever hated Aranarth. Aranarth led Decker through the ship until they came to a small, unassuming room off one of the main corridors. In the center was a circle, delineated by a raised metal line along the floor. "You're going to displace me somewhere? " asked Decker. "No, " replied Aranarth, "I'm going to displace something onto you. Suits come from hyperspace. That's where they're born. " "Born? " asked Decker, stepping into the circle. "You should read more, " said Aranarth. "Now strip. " "Excuse me? " asked Decker. "Did you think you wore it over your clothes? " asked Aranarth. "I'm going to be in the adjacent room where the controls are if this is some kind of modesty thing. Don't move out of the circle until the process is finished unless you like being cut in half. " Aranarth left. Decker shrugged and stripped off his clothes, throwing them out of the circle just in case. Decker stood in the circle, naked, waiting. For a long time nothing happened. Then for a longer time nothing continued to happen. It occurred to Decker that Aranarth might not have been entirely truthful about him getting a Suit. He might just have wanted to see how long he could get Decker to wait in a circle naked. Huh, thought Decker. Now what was he going to do? He didn't want to give Aranarth the excuse to wash him out. If he was telling the truth about the Suit and Decker left, he'd definitely be kicked out. He was given explicit instructions. On the other hand if he just waited here like this all day on a flimsy story Aranarth could make the argument that Decker was too gullible to be a ranger. Decker felt a tingling sensation and stiffened. He was staying in the circle. He was always planning on staying in the circle nobody could say otherwise. It started on the small of his back, spreading outward across his body like a sentient liquid. First it covered him up to the neck in a single unbroken bodyglove, then it began to break down into various pieces and points of articulation. Weak points began to reinforce themselves. The 'liquid' began to take on the look of metal. When Decker moved, though, it flowed around his body like a liquid. The Suit tried to handshake with Decker's implant. It wanted a direct mind link. Decker shrugged and granted permission. Must be part of the controls. Suddenly Decker felt a presence rooting around in his memory. It was grabbing all kinds of biographical information. There must be an AI in there. This was exactly what Decker had worried about mind linking with Ophelia back on Hyperborea. thought Decker. replied the Suit. The Suit was already adjusting itself to take into account all the new information it had about Decker. The Suit continued to make adjustments, but they were growing smaller and more subtle. asked Decker. replied Suit. This was ridiculous. "You can get out of the circle now, " said Aranarth, appearing in the doorway. He picked up Decker's cloak and handed it to him. "Grab your clothes, we're headed to the shooting range. " The shielded corridor used for shooting practice hummed with the restrained power of its force fields. Thanks to Decker's new ears it sounded louder and more complex than before. "Try warping in some weapons, " said Aranarth. "See if you can make some blue sparks for me. " Decker smiled. He'd make that shield spark purple. thought Decker. asked the Suit. Decker didn't remember the names of any railguns. replied Decker. "I'm waiting, " said Aranarth. asked Decker. replied the Suit. Decker shouted in his mind. thought Decker. The weapon seemed to instantly appear in Decker's hand as though thrown to him by someone standing in another dimension. One moment there was nothing, the next he was holding it. "Witchy, " said Decker, inspecting the weapon. This was the model of railgun he was already familiar with. He liked all this warping in business too. "That took you long enough, " said Aranarth. "If this had been a combat situation you'd be dead. " "Tell that to the Suit, " said Decker. snapped the Suit "Nevermind that, " said Aranarth. "Show me what you've got. " He pressed a touch control and a familiar practice hologram appeared. Decker hadn't gotten much better with a gun on Hyperborea. He hadn't had one for most of his time there. If anything he might have gotten rusty. Still, he did make the last shot he took. Even if it was a point blank range. His raised his weapon and took a practice aim. His enhanced strength and dexterity was already making the task easier than he remembered. His eyesight was far sharper, as was his hand-eye coordination. This could work, he thought. Decker checked the weapon and turned up the power to maximum. He aimed it again. Exhaled. He fired three short bursts directly into the hologram. He was actually a really great shot. But he hadn't pushed any of the sparks past green. Decker readjusted his aim to keep it true and then fired off the weapon on fully automatic until he emptied the entire 1, 000 round magazine. A colorful thunderstorm of sparks exploded across the back of the corridor. At the center some pushed from green just into flecks of blue. thought Decker. suggested the Suit. Decker's Perjurer warped away like it way pulled sideways from his hands, and the Profligate appeared in its place. It was a bulky firearm at least twice the size of the Perjurer. Decker took a second to get used to the new weapon's weight, took aim, and fired. A glowing orange stream of plasma went hurtling towards the back of the corridor causing a flowering of green sparks. No blue though. thought Decker. The Profligate disappeared from his hand. asked Decker. asked the Suit. thought Decker. A new weapon slid into his hands, one Decker wasn't familiar with. It was more squat than a Perjurer with a wide barrel. Decker could feel a half dozen mind-switches coming online. This gun was partially thought controlled. He wasn't sure how to work it now. Decker asked. Decker could feel all kinds of alien thoughts in his mind that he didn't know what to do with. He aimed it like it was a railgun, braced in case there was any kickback, visualized blue sparks to try and get the mind controls right, and pulled the trigger. Something so invisible even Decker didn't see it flew from the gun, maybe nothing at all, and there was an incredible detonation at the far end of the corridor. The edges of the explosion crackled yellow which faded slowly into green closer to the center. The core was sky blue fading in to navy. Aranarth watched the whole production, stone faced, with his arms crossed. At the sight of the blue-cored explosion he smiled. "Not bad, " he said. the Suit sniffed. "You seem to have the hang of it, " Aranarth continued. "Now, Decker's suit, I know you can hear me. Never warp in any weapons without my express permission. Squire Decker is not to be armed unless I order it first. insisted the Suit. Chapter 18 - Xalax Decker followed Aranarth into the landing bay of the Sic Semper Tyrannis. He tried to see if he could find the spot where he cratered the ground with AG back during training. He couldn't though. It had been repaired too well. Both wore the simple, rugged outfits favored by most rangers, their suits retracted and waiting on the small of their backs. Aranarth led him to one of several identical Partisan-class escorts. The shiny rocket-shaped ship stood on landing gear, its twin torch drives held out on either side by nacelles. "Welcome to the A. S. Overdog, " said Aranarth. Aranarth triggered something with a thought, and the ramp leading up into the ship extended to the floor. "So I guess they don't let you name your own ship then, huh? " asked Decker. "Shut up, squire, " sneered Aranarth. He made his way into the ship. Decker wasn't far behind him. "Greetings stranger! " announced the ship as soon as Decker was inside, "I am the A. Overdog, fully sapient starship and hopefully your new good friend. " "Nice to meet you, Overdog, " said Decker. "My name's Sam Decker. " "Squire Decker, " corrected Aranarth, yelling from the cockpit. "Get used to saying it. " Aranarth relaxed himself into the extremely comfortable looking pilot's chair. He snapped his fingers and pointed to the co-pilot's chair. Decker walked over and sat down. The large window screen in front of them crackled for a moment as it came online before eventually resolving into a crystal-clean picture of the landing bay directly in front of the ship. The silver escort rose slowly up into the air on a cushion of antigravity before easing its way out of the landing bay through the selective force field. As soon as it was well away from the Tyrannis it engaged torch drives and rocketed off leaving behind a tail of red comet fire. "Overdog, plot a hyperspatial course for the planet Xalax. Maker's Eye System, Orion Arm, " said Aranarth. "My pleasure! " replied Overdog. Aranarth checked a few things on his console to make sure everything was in order before engaging the hyperdrive. The Overdog began to take carefully plotted shortcuts through the higher dimensions, affecting an effective speed several orders of magnitude faster than it's actual speed. The ship's AI took things from there. Aranarth spun his chair around to face Decker. "I suppose I should bring you up to speed, " said Aranarth. "I could just download the details, " offered Decker. "No, " said Aranarth. "You don't know something unless you know it. " Decker wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean. "Alright? " he said. "For the past several decades the gug-gug-gugs, the only intelligent species native to the planet Dididi-Dididi-Dididi, have been positioning military assets in the vicinity of three independent aliens worlds located within Human Space. The gug-gug-gugs are not FTL Players on any level so this involved a lot of lighthugging, wormholes, and ferrying. Wasn't hard to spot. "Once we caught on to what was happening we sent two rangers to talk to the gug-gug-gug government and warn them of the potential consequences of their actions. And I do mean 'we'; the rangers were dragons. Both rangers went missing, are presumed dead, but before they did one of them managed to send us a fatline claiming that the gug-gug-gugs were being provided equivtech weapons by the Old Ones. "Approximately one standard year later the gug-gug-gugs launched their expected attacks. All three worlds were targeted at once. The gug-gug-gugs came in, swept away all orbital defences, and then deployed their troops. Only this time the gug-gug-gugs were using ion weapons. " "Human weapons? " asked Decker. "That is certainly the impression that is being cultivated, " agreed Aranarth. "In any case we had been waiting for this. In less than a standard day we had neutralized or driven off the entire gug-gug-gug orbital presence on all three worlds. We had begun to liaise with the affected species to help them fight off the ground troops when the gug-gug-gugs made a complaint to the Tribunal of Peerage. "Now we know that the Old Ones were backing the gug-gug-gug's play, they're probably planning on taking on the gug-gug-gugs as client species as soon as they've annexed the worlds they attacked, but we can't prove it. Not to the standard the Tribunal wants. So our defense of the three affected planets was declared a 'war', and that 'war' was declared illegal for reasons of technological asymmetry. As far as the Tribunal of Peerage is concerned we're not defending against the Old Ones, we're attacking the gug-gug-gugs. "So that's where we are now. Luckily Xalax was able to defend themselves on their own once we had removed the gug-gug-gugs orbital supremacy. But there's still fighting on the ground on the other two planets, Home/Click- -Click- -Click-Click and Eccustea. The retreating gug-gug-gug space fleets are on their way back there now that we're barred from stopping them. So at the moment A. is trying to find ways to clandestinely aid those two planets without drawing the ire of the Parliament of Stars. We are in essence in a proxy war against the Old Ones. " "So then why are we going to Xalax? " asked Decker. "Because everyone is stupid except me, with the possible exception of Usagi but she has her moments, " said Aranarth. "Whatever babbleskite proxy war the Old Ones are waging is exactly what they want us to be focused on. Meanwhile we have free reign on Xalax to investigate the invasion and find proof of Old Ones involvement. Once we have that we can take it to the Tribunal of Peerage and get their decision reversed. Work smart, squire, not hard. " "So if we get this evidence we can attack the gug-gug-gugs directly? " "Exactly. " There was once a time when life teemed across the entirety of Xalax. Now only a thin strip along the equator could support it. The stark border between the dead zone and the life band could be seen from space. It was the first thing Decker noticed about the planet as the comparatively diminutive Partisan escort he was aboard emerged from the higher dimensions. The conditions on Xalax, harsh as they were, were remarkably Earth-like. Perhaps this was why the humans always considered the Xalaxians to be something like second-cousins. Both species could exist in each-other's ideal environment and used spoken languages which made interacting relatively simple. Therefore there had been a great deal of cross-cultural exchange, although primarily in one direction. The ship entered the planet's gravity well, engaging AG as it did so. As it descended through the clouds Decker was shocked to see the ruins of Xalax's old space elevator. When the initial gug-gug-gug bombardment had cut the mega-structure in two the lower half fell over and crushed three major population clusters. The nature of the space elevator meant that when it fell it naturally wrapped itself along the equator, which was the only habitable portion of the planet. The top part drift off into high orbit, where it still remained. The civilian casualties from the fall had to be measured in megadeaths. Decker had read about disasters of this kind. He had all kinds of data related to them downloaded into his implant. He was not, however, emotionally prepared for the sight of the aftermath of one. As they came closer and closer to the surface the destruction became more and more real. The similarities between Xalaxian and Ring-Human architecture meant none of the subtleties of devastation were lost on Decker. The Overdog connected with space traffic control, and the associated autopilot took over. Xalaxians had a couple of pretty significant technological uplifts thanks to the Cooperative so their technology was heavily cross compatible with galactic standards, and in particular with human tech. The Overdog was gracefully piloted to the ground. It hummed as its fields settled into a landing configuration. An open-air stardock had been set up not terribly far from the space elevator's former anchor point. It was little more than a paved off section that had been cleared of debris. It was occupied by a scattering of Xalaxian civilian sublight single-drive ships. Shuttles really, they didn't reach all the benchmarks to be called true starships. Sub-sapient construction drones flew here and there, carrying force-fields full of debris, laying the groundwork for the ruined cluster to be rebuilt. They buzzed around with purpose, ignoring anything not directly related to their programmed objectives. They had already completed their earlier task of clearing away the bodies. Doing so had taken even this swarm of highly efficient drones days. A ramp descended from the Overdog and Aranarth and Decker walked down it. Their cloaks billowed in the hard wind. Two Eewee/Keeee, the species that preferred to be known to outsiders as the Xalaxians, were waiting for them at the dock. The eight-foot-tall aliens had two mouth stalks protruding from a flat, round head covered in eye-bumps. All around the edges were shaggy strands of skin hanging down. The head sat atop a fat, cylindrical body that ended in four muscular, snake-like limbs. The limbs ended in three dexterous fingers and served as combination legs and arms. Various gadgets were strapped to their limbs and sides. The entire body was sleekly muscled and gave an impression of restrained power. "We bid you welcome to our world, A. Rangers, on behalf of the people of Xalax, " said one of the aliens. "I am known as Huayi/Eeeek, a xenologist specializing in humanity. You have already been introduced to our liaison to your organization Jeeke/Gyeee. " The Xalaxian spoke with both mouths at once, giving her words an eerie harmony. She otherwise spoke Ringlot, using the human language rather than the more neutral Galach, without any accent whatsoever. When she spoke the Xalaxian names, however, she used each mouth to pronounce a different half. Decker had no idea how in the galaxy he was supposed to reproduce them. He figured he'd have to call literally every member of this species 'buddy' or something. "I am gratified to see you in your personal presence. Until now we had communicated remotely, " added Jeeke/Gyeee. Her Ringlot was much more heavily accented. It reminded Decker a bit of the speech of a talented parrot, the way the words seemed to be pronounced like they were a single sound rather than a collection of syllables. "I'm happy to meet you in person at last as well, Jeeke, " said Aranarth, immediately answering Decker's question about the names. "And it's a pleasure to meet you, Huayi Eeeek. Do you mind if I call you Huayi? " "I do not mind if you do this, " said Huayi/Eeeek, with a nod of its entire body as it had no neck. "I am called Ranger Aranarth, this is my squire, " Aranarth gestured towards Decker. "I have a name, " said Decker. "Your name is Squire, " said Aranarth, not even looking at him anymore. "I need to get to work as soon as possible, time is of the essence. I want to go on a tour of all the major battle sites, starting with the largest gug-gug-gug strongholds. Any place where they had seriously dug in. " "I am surprised, " said Huayi/Eeeek, "I believed you would have wanted to talk to the prisoners first, and so those are the arrangements I made. If you give me a moment I can certainly make-" "Wait, " Aranarth interrupted him, "you have prisoners? War prisoners? Why didn't you inform A. C.? " "We assumed you knew, " said Huayi/Eeeek. "What do you take us for, barbarians who take no quarter from their enemies? " "There's a difference between taking prisoners and having prisoners, " said Aranarth, a little tersely, "By all means, take us to them. " "You'll find our prisons extremely humane, " insisted Huayi/Eeeek. "We model them on how humans treated prisoners of war during the Human-Old One War. "I'm sure they're lovely, " said Aranarth. "Let's go see them. ".

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